Predictions: If we lose Rob Ford in 2013

About halfway through his four-year term, Mayor Rob Ford has already delivered enough headline-grabbing gaffes to fill an entire political career. And all along the brash gravy fighter from Etobicoke has shown little interest in cleaning up his act. Now, as the mayor tiptoes along on the thinnest ice of his political career, we’re faced with the oddly discomforting prospect of life without him.

Wanting to know exactly what’s at stake in Ford’s conflict-of-interest appeal, I consulted the crystal ball to find out what we would miss out on in the year to come if the guy does in fact lose the big job.

Returning to his plan to find “efficiencies” at the Toronto Public Library, Ford will provoke outrage from book lovers when he suggests replacing the system with a link to Wikipedia.
Keeping true to the job he’s most passionate about, Ford will anger councillors (who can’t stand the bleacher seating) when he attempts to move city council meetings to the sidelines of the Don Bosco football field. The idea will be quickly scuttled after Karen Stintz starts questioning Coach Ford’s on-field decisions.
Attempting to put the nastiness of his legal case behind him, Ford will prompt further judicial challenges when he attempts to amend the definition of “conflict of interest” to read, “a thing that does not ever apply to Rob Ford.”
After a preview screening of the Toronto-shot remake of Robocop, Ford will excitedly send a memo to Police Chief Bill Blair, citing what he sees as a new strategy for cost savings at Toronto Police Services.
As an attempted olive branch to the cycling community unhappy with the removal of the Jarvis Street bike lanes, Ford will inexplicably suggest installing speed bumps across existing lanes across the city. “I thought it would make bike riding way more exciting,” he’ll say, making a little wavy-hand motion.
Mayoral brother Doug Ford will say something controversial about a topic. When asked to clarify his comments, he’ll cast all blame on the Toronto Star.
Desperate to deliver on the transit expansion he promised during his 2010 campaign, Ford will venture out to Scarborough late one night. Neighbours will be startled awake by the sound of the mayor attempting to operate a jackhammer while muttering about the importance of “subways, subways, subways.”
Toward the end of the year, as campaign season for election 2014 heats up, Ford supporters will pose a simple but important question: Sure, he regularly gets himself into hot water, but wouldn’t things be really boring if someone else were mayor?